I hate Thanksgiving.
Instead of dwelling, as I am wont to do, I am going to break the holiday down into a series of problems and solutions in an effort to think POSITIVELY about the most annoying of all the holidays.
Problem: No one loves you
Solution: Check your email. Chances are, your dentist and your mobile parking app love you:
Problem: Mashed potatoes are delicious but making them involves many different tools and efforts
Problem: Parkmobile didn’t email you, even though you have the app
Solution: Fuck parkmobile. Download Parking Panda.
Problem: Your wine doesn’t understand your complex emotions about the holidays
Solution: Get a nice pinot that also laughs and cries at the same time
Problem: Feeling bad about how fucked up the history of this holiday is
Solution: There is no solution to this, thanksgiving is fucked up. Most (all) American holidays are fucked up. However, doing something feels better than just feeling shitty so here’s some stuff:
– Donate to Standing Rock’s medical fund: https://www.holisticlivingschool.org/standing-rock-medic-healer-council/
– Donate an item off of Standing Rock’s amazon wishlist
-More info here: http://sacredstonecamp.org
Again, donating doesn’t make it go away, but showing your support against the dakota access pipeline is important!
Problem: now that you mention it, everything sucks
Solution: it does. If you can donate to some pro-women, pro-immigrant, pro-queer and anti-nazi organizations through this link https://www.jezebel.com/a-list-of-pro-women-pro-immigrant-pro-earth-anti-big-1788752078/amp
Problem: your father is in town
Solution: spend as much of the day drinking with your friend AS POSSIBLE
“She’s ALL ALONE on thanksgiving, dad!”
Problem: god has forsaken you, probably because you’re avoiding your deadbeat dad
Solution: worship Ke$ha as your Lord and Savior
Problem: thanksgiving isn’t gay enough
Solution: Stick It
Problem: your family voted for Trump
Solution: Keep calm and think about Captain America