Surviving Thanksgiving

Surviving Thanksgiving

I hate Thanksgiving.

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Whenever you feel down on Thanksgiving, just remember that Jake Peralta feels the same way.

Instead of dwelling, as I am wont to do, I am going to break the holiday down into a series of problems and solutions in an effort to think POSITIVELY about the most annoying of all the holidays.

Problem: No one loves you

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Solution: Check your email. Chances are, your dentist and your mobile parking app love you:


Problem
: Mashed potatoes are delicious but making them involves many different tools and efforts

Solution:

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Just like grandma used to microwave

Problem: Parkmobile didn’t email you, even though you have the app

Solution: Fuck parkmobile. Download Parking Panda.

Problem: Your wine doesn’t understand your complex emotions about the holidays

Solution: Get a nice pinot that also laughs and cries at the same time

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Apparently this was only $7.99 at Whole Foods! It’s a Thanksgiving Miracle!!!!

Problem: Feeling bad about how fucked up the history of this holiday is

Solution: There is no solution to this, thanksgiving is fucked up. Most (all) American holidays are fucked up. However, doing something feels better than just feeling shitty so here’s some stuff:

– Donate to Standing Rock’s medical fund: https://www.holisticlivingschool.org/standing-rock-medic-healer-council/

– Donate an item off of Standing Rock’s amazon wishlist

-More info here: http://sacredstonecamp.org

Again, donating doesn’t make it go away, but showing your support against the dakota access pipeline is important!

Problem: now that you mention it, everything sucks

Solution: it does. If you can donate to some pro-women, pro-immigrant, pro-queer and anti-nazi organizations through this link https://www.jezebel.com/a-list-of-pro-women-pro-immigrant-pro-earth-anti-big-1788752078/amp

Problem: your father is in town

Solution: spend as much of the day drinking with your friend AS POSSIBLE

“She’s ALL ALONE on thanksgiving, dad!”

Problem: god has forsaken you, probably because you’re avoiding your deadbeat dad

Solution: worship Ke$ha as your Lord and Savior


Problem: thanksgiving isn’t gay enough

Solution: Stick It


Problem: your family voted for Trump

Solution: Keep calm and think about Captain America


Alright well hopefully that covers everything. Happy Holidays my friends! Stay strong! Stay queer!

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