I’d like to first point out that we have awesome names for a lot of vegetarian/vegan substitutes (Soysage, fakin, ET ALL). However, the only chicken substitute name  I am aware of is “chik’n” which is CRAP. The vegetarian name should be a hilarious variation and should sound similar to but noticeably different from the meat name. Ordering a “chik’n” patty at a hip restaurant will most likely get me the flesh of an actual chicken and I don’t… want that. If some hero could get on this I would really appreciate it.

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ANYWAY

Happy Early Mid-August! The most panicked time of the year for the public school teacher such as myself. Summer is rapidly imploding and as much as I would love for the heat index to NOT hover around 110 I am IN NO WAY READY for Labor Day (not to mention all the in-service that comes before it). For those of you who ARE NOT teachers (who are you and how did you get here?!) I bet you’re wondering why it seems I have been neglecting my blog all summer. WELL. I’ve been very busy catching up on my reading (harry potter fan fiction) and watching this year’s Oscar contenders (the lego batman trailers over and over again) as well as some much needed exercise (pokemon go). But I’ve finally written in enough time to share my newest favorite-est recipe:20160813_180216

Vegetarian Chicken Noodle Soup
Ingredients:
– Fake chicken soup bouillon broth cubes* (or vegetable bouillon)
– Frozen fake chicken strips**
– Medium onion (1)
– Water (1 cup for every serving of bouillon)
– Garlic (around 4 cloves)
– Nutritional yeast (like.. a quarter cup, no joking fam)
– Some kind of pasta (the whole goddamn PACKAGE)***
– Spices**** (TO TASTE)

*I have a VERY SERIOUS recommendation and it is this weird vegan Austrailian soup company’s bouillon cubes

141401
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I found these on the top shelf of the broth section of the soup aisle at my local Shopper’s Food Warehouse and they have CHANGED MY LIFE. They have chicken, beef, and regular vegetable flavors and OMG I FEEL LIKE… like I prayed for these products?!?! Like I got down on my knees in the Shopper’s Food Warehouse and prayed to Paul Newman Patron Saint of Grocery Stores/Rob Zombie Patron Saint of Vegans and my prayers were answered?! You gotta check out that website linked in the image caption and just.. figure out where this shit is available near you and fill a whole drawer in your kitchen with it IT’S THAT GREAT. I mean… some body has got to let Knorr onto the secret that you don’t need FATTY TISSUE from fucking ANIMAL CREATURES to make a good soup. Whew!

** On this batch I used a bag of Quorn’s “chicken pieces” but any unbreaded chicken substitute will do. If you use Morningstar or Gardein you just have to chop them up to make them more reasonable for soup. ALSO only one of these is vegan and I think it’s Gardein? Anyway if you a vegan check that shit out first.

*** I use literally whatever gimmicky healthy-but-not-whole-wheat non-noodle pasta is on sale and not homophobic barilla. So like last time I used Shopper’s store-brand 50% whole wheat shells and this time I used Harris Teeter’s store brand hidden veggie bow-tie pasta. YOU COULD EVEN USE SPAGHETTI IF YOU WANTED just go nuts my friends

**** MY SECRET SPICE… IS TEACHER SPICE (shout out to Ginz) ba33582da2be3f12daf99594e8a01ca0d30c9a27

Directions:
1) Bring water, nutrional yeast, chopped onion, chopped garlic and bouillon to boil
2) Add package of pasta
3) Microwave frozen fake chicken according to package directions
4) Once pasta is cooked, add fake chicken
5) Spice to tasteeee
6) Remove pot from heat and cover
7) Allow to stew in it’s own residual heat for like 20 minutes

DONE!

Listen… I’ve been a vegetarian for 9+ years but it tastes like what I remember of homemade chicken noodle soup. ALSO Michael liked it which is a HUGE DEAL because I make weird soups like it’s my fucking job and normally Michael (rightfully) avoids them but with my first batch of this soup he ate a bowl and woke me up (because he is a vampire who eats in the middle of the night) and told me how much he liked it and I was so flabbergasted that I thought it was a dream BUT IT WASN’T HE REALLY DID LIKE IT and we ate all of it in like two days and I didn’t have to freeze ANY OF IT IT WAS A MIRACLE

PLUG TO OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA: Hey are you a vegetarian or vegan person who likes to wear cool patches and let the flesh eaters know that carrots are great?!?!?!?! WELL SO AM I AND I MADE THIS PATCH FOR US buy it on my newly reopened etsy! 3 dollarydoos for a handmade patch free shipping within the United States?? WOW!~*~*~*~*~

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Nun Comix on Etsy
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