A Hall Monitor’s Tale

A Hall Monitor’s Tale

I started writing this post during hall duty and IMMEDIATELY abandoned it when hall duty was over. You may be thinking that my hall duty wasn’t very long but IN REALITY I am an incredibly slow writer. So anyway, this was just sad and lonely and in my drafts and I’m never going to finish it so here it is have fun people:

A Hall Monitor’s Tale 

Or, You’ll Have to Wait There’s Someone Already in the Restroom

It’s standardized testing season, the most wonderless time of the school year. This is my 5th year in education and I’m pretty used to our state’s standards: The Standards of Learning (it took me THREE YEARS before I understood why out-of-staters laughed whenever I mentioned the S.O.L.s.)*. In these five years I’ve been a substitute teacher, a school-based substitute, an instructional assistant, and a full time teacher. So I’ve given SO MANY SOLs, I wouldn’t even be able to count. The mention of testing has changed over the years due to rules changing and student populations changing but it, overall, it’s mostly the same. Someone needs to read the state mandated script and someone needs to make sure that students are ALONE or SUPERVISED in the bathrooms AT ALL TIMES. Teaching, it’s a very glamorous job.

* Google it and ignore any result about Virginia or Mars timekeeping

I am currently doing the latter job. If you’re a teacher you already know this, because you can LITERALLY do NOTHING while in the room with testing students. You cannot grade papers. You cannot write lesson plans. You cannot look up cute end of year awards on Pinterest. And don’t even THINK about reading a book or magazine. You can’t even look directly at the computers the students are testing on! The state mandates that test proctors are allowed only to exist, they call it “active monitoring”. Basically, you are expected to walk around the room (that has been stripped of any student work or posters), not looking at anything, waiting for a student to raise their hand and ask one of the few things they are allowed to ask. There is a really funny but sad We Are Teachers article about this entitled, 17 Things You Can do While Actively Monitoring a Standardized Test.

If they ask to use the restroom, the student is sent to a hall monitor like me, whose whole purpose is to make sure only one student is in the bathroom at a time. Because. Cheating? Also, we have to make sure testers are not lollygagging at the water fountain and that non-testing students aren’t making ANY noises.

200_s

 

Advertisements

Vegetarian “Chicken” Noodle Soup

Vegetarian “Chicken” Noodle Soup

I’d like to first point out that we have awesome names for a lot of vegetarian/vegan substitutes (Soysage, fakin, ET ALL). However, the only chicken substitute name  I am aware of is “chik’n” which is CRAP. The vegetarian name should be a hilarious variation and should sound similar to but noticeably different from the meat name. Ordering a “chik’n” patty at a hip restaurant will most likely get me the flesh of an actual chicken and I don’t… want that. If some hero could get on this I would really appreciate it.

anigif_enhanced-buzz-20668-1369241749-20

ANYWAY

Happy Early Mid-August! The most panicked time of the year for the public school teacher such as myself. Summer is rapidly imploding and as much as I would love for the heat index to NOT hover around 110 I am IN NO WAY READY for Labor Day (not to mention all the in-service that comes before it). For those of you who ARE NOT teachers (who are you and how did you get here?!) I bet you’re wondering why it seems I have been neglecting my blog all summer. WELL. I’ve been very busy catching up on my reading (harry potter fan fiction) and watching this year’s Oscar contenders (the lego batman trailers over and over again) as well as some much needed exercise (pokemon go). But I’ve finally written in enough time to share my newest favorite-est recipe:20160813_180216

Vegetarian Chicken Noodle Soup
Ingredients:
– Fake chicken soup bouillon broth cubes* (or vegetable bouillon)
– Frozen fake chicken strips**
– Medium onion (1)
– Water (1 cup for every serving of bouillon)
– Garlic (around 4 cloves)
– Nutritional yeast (like.. a quarter cup, no joking fam)
– Some kind of pasta (the whole goddamn PACKAGE)***
– Spices**** (TO TASTE)

*I have a VERY SERIOUS recommendation and it is this weird vegan Austrailian soup company’s bouillon cubes

141401
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I found these on the top shelf of the broth section of the soup aisle at my local Shopper’s Food Warehouse and they have CHANGED MY LIFE. They have chicken, beef, and regular vegetable flavors and OMG I FEEL LIKE… like I prayed for these products?!?! Like I got down on my knees in the Shopper’s Food Warehouse and prayed to Paul Newman Patron Saint of Grocery Stores/Rob Zombie Patron Saint of Vegans and my prayers were answered?! You gotta check out that website linked in the image caption and just.. figure out where this shit is available near you and fill a whole drawer in your kitchen with it IT’S THAT GREAT. I mean… some body has got to let Knorr onto the secret that you don’t need FATTY TISSUE from fucking ANIMAL CREATURES to make a good soup. Whew!

** On this batch I used a bag of Quorn’s “chicken pieces” but any unbreaded chicken substitute will do. If you use Morningstar or Gardein you just have to chop them up to make them more reasonable for soup. ALSO only one of these is vegan and I think it’s Gardein? Anyway if you a vegan check that shit out first.

*** I use literally whatever gimmicky healthy-but-not-whole-wheat non-noodle pasta is on sale and not homophobic barilla. So like last time I used Shopper’s store-brand 50% whole wheat shells and this time I used Harris Teeter’s store brand hidden veggie bow-tie pasta. YOU COULD EVEN USE SPAGHETTI IF YOU WANTED just go nuts my friends

**** MY SECRET SPICE… IS TEACHER SPICE (shout out to Ginz) ba33582da2be3f12daf99594e8a01ca0d30c9a27

Directions:
1) Bring water, nutrional yeast, chopped onion, chopped garlic and bouillon to boil
2) Add package of pasta
3) Microwave frozen fake chicken according to package directions
4) Once pasta is cooked, add fake chicken
5) Spice to tasteeee
6) Remove pot from heat and cover
7) Allow to stew in it’s own residual heat for like 20 minutes

DONE!

Listen… I’ve been a vegetarian for 9+ years but it tastes like what I remember of homemade chicken noodle soup. ALSO Michael liked it which is a HUGE DEAL because I make weird soups like it’s my fucking job and normally Michael (rightfully) avoids them but with my first batch of this soup he ate a bowl and woke me up (because he is a vampire who eats in the middle of the night) and told me how much he liked it and I was so flabbergasted that I thought it was a dream BUT IT WASN’T HE REALLY DID LIKE IT and we ate all of it in like two days and I didn’t have to freeze ANY OF IT IT WAS A MIRACLE

PLUG TO OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA: Hey are you a vegetarian or vegan person who likes to wear cool patches and let the flesh eaters know that carrots are great?!?!?!?! WELL SO AM I AND I MADE THIS PATCH FOR US buy it on my newly reopened etsy! 3 dollarydoos for a handmade patch free shipping within the United States?? WOW!~*~*~*~*~

20160727_203819
Nun Comix on Etsy