Pickle Party Mega Post

Pickle Party Mega Post

Note: Pretty much all of these images are from the fabulous Teacher 3, who was NOT too scatterbrained to remember to take pictures unlike your friendly narrator 

Is Teacher 3 still a secret nickname if I tell you which one of these lovely ladies she is???

The Pickle Party was exactly like it sounds! I invited a bunch of my friends over to pickle things. IT WAS MAGICAL. In this post I will tell about all the incredible things
listthat were made and consumed INCLUDING: pickled Brussels sprouts, pickled fancy Asian radish (“Daikon radish”), pickled hot peppers, pickled red onions, pickled cucumbers (…”pickles”), pickle pizza, pickle grilled cheese, fried pickles, and MOST IMPORTANTLY pickleback shots.

First up, Things We Actually Pickled Ourselves:
Mason jars (I got about 24 pint sized ones, which turned out not to be enough!)
Cucumbers (As you can see on my grocery list I was planning on getting 20 cucumbers but I felt so ridiculous bagging SO MANY cucumbers all by myself I ended up only buying 10. Which turned out to be plenty)
Red onions (I got about 8 and a guest brought 2 more! The jars of pickled red onions were SUPER popular as take-home jars so I recommend not skimping on the red onions if you’re planning your own Pickle Party)
Jalapenos (10 nice sized ones)
Additional hot peppers (I got a handful of habanero, thai chili peppers, and  a poblano pepper for the milder folks)
White vinegar (in the BIGGEST AMOUNT YOU CAN FIND!!!)
Dill (3 bunches – this was hard to find for some reason, all the “nice” grocery stores didn’t have fresh dill, I eventually found it at good ole Shopper’s Food Warehouse)
Garlic (3 bulbs [UNIMPORTANT SIDENOTE: A friend and I went through this phase around junior year of college where we each ate a whole, raw garlic clove once a day because she had read it was good for you. Just typing the word garlic gives me PAINFUL TASTE MEMORIES])
Kosher salt (what makes it Kosher? I DON’T KNOW but I trust it)

Additional Fancy Ingredients That Guests Brought:
Daikon radishes (2)
– “Pickling spices” (Teacher 3 brought this and I don’t even know what it was. The first ingredient was cinnamon. Which is weird? Maybe?)
Brussels Sprouts (Teacher 3 and Husband strike again!!!)

All of the above is what was actually used during the merrypicklemaking. Here is an inexhaustible list of what I spent money on and didn’t end up using: peppercorns (pro tip: this is just whole pepper, I learned), limes (why did I think I would be putting lime in pickles), whole coriander, paprika, dried dill weed (this was when I couldn’t find fresh dill and I went nuts because YOU CAN’T MAKE PICKLES WITHOUT DILL so I spent like $20 on fucking little jars of dill weed it was ridiculous because once I DID find fresh dill it was $1.49 A BUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!1) and milk. Technically the milk was for the fried pickle recipe that I ended up forgetting about but, if you are a loyal reader of this blog, and I know you are, you know that Michael and I don’t normally drink milk so it was a WASTE. (Although I did use it later for Thin Mint dunkin’ aw yeah) (almond milk is better)

Why, yes, I did eventually run out of mason jars


Directions (based on these directions):
1) In a large pot bring 2 parts water to 1 part white vinegar to a boil
2) Stir in a ratio of 2 tablespoons kosher salt + 1 teaspoons of sugar to each 2:1 ratio of water: vinegar.
3) What I mean is, if you boil 8 cups of water and 4 cups of vinegar (which I think is what we did for 26 pint sized jars) you will add 8 tablespoons of kosher salt and 4 teaspoons of sugar
4) Turn the heat down so that it’s kept warm
5) Clean and prep your jars
6) Fill each jar with chopped up cucumbers/red onions/hot peppers/radishes/whatever and the additives all the way to the top, but don’t cram anything in with (the) force.
7) Don’t forget to add the additives like chopped garlic and dill!! It’s difficult to get that stuff in there once the jar is filled with CUKES or the like
8) Pour in the pickling mixture to the top and put the lid back on!
9) REFRIGERATE for 10 days.****
10) After this time the jars last up to 6 weeks in the fridge, apparently

All snug in the fridgeo

**** Despite what I apparently said to a few guests at the end of the approximately 8 hour Pickle Party, this recipe is for REFRIGERATOR pickling and you should not leave the jars out unless you want BOTULISM which is APPARENTLY what Done In Kaila wanted

What I wanted more than anything was an infographic that described the above recipe so here is one I just doodled because I can’t computer. If you can computer please feel free to digitize my nonsense:

fuck I misspelled refrigerate I hate that word omg

Pickleback Shotspickleback
– Pickle brine (please DO YOURSELF A FAVOR and only use Claussen pickle brine, we ran out after a billion shots and shooting the brine from the store brand non-refrigerator pickles was maybe the worst thing I ever did to myself)

1) Take a shot of whiskey
2) Immediately take a shot of pickle brine
12803023_10206981781557235_128045186325945870_n3) Repeat until you’re done in enough to tell your guests they don’t need to keep pickles refrigerated

*DO NOT ever MIX the shots and call it a drink, a bartender did that to us once at a Buffalo Wild Wings and it was the second worst thing I’ve ever done to myself.


Pickle Pizza
Frozen cheese pizza (pro tip: the cheapest brand will be one of the following: Tombstone, store brand Tombstone, Red Baron, or store brand Red Baron)

1) Bake the pizza however the box tells you to
2) Slice the pickles as thinly as is HUMANLY possible
3) Layer the pickles on the pizza when it’s still hot from the oven
4) Feel amazed that you ever doubted how incredible pickle pizza would be

Pickle Grilled Cheese
– Sliced American cheese12799320_10206982310450457_5818165639252250216_n
– Sliced white cheddar cheese
– Sliced tomato
– THINLY SLICED Halved Claussen pickles (KAILA YOU KNOW YOU CAN BUY CLAUSSENS PRESLICED, yes I do realize this, dear loyal reader, HOWEVER it’s cheaper to get the whole or halved ones and slice yerdamnself)
– Bread
– Butter

1) Butter the sides of the bread that face out from the sandwich
2) Inside layer THUSLY: slice of cheese, slice of tomato, slice of other cheese, slices of pickle, slice of first cheese.
3) Grill evenly on each side
4) Quarter

Classic Fried Pickle Chips
– “Hamburger” pickle chips (in this AND ONLY THIS case store-brand non-refrigerated is fine) 1933953_10206982310370455_5824315537680002339_n
– All-purpose flour
– Egg (beaten)
– Bread crumbs
– Nutritional yeast (optional,but as any vegetarian knows, that shit is great on everything)
– Frying oil

1) Lay out three separate containers: one for the flour, one for the egg, and one for the breadcrumbs
2) Heat up about half an inch of oil in a frying pan
3) Individually pad the pickle chips in the flour, then the egg, then the breadcrumbs
4) Fry!
5) Lay out on paper towels when they are nice and brown to soak up some of the oil

Teacher 3 and I really had our hearts set on lacto-fermenting some pickles BUT we are both paranoid people and we decided that there was too much of a chance that we (read: me) would mess something up and poison ourselves. Almost every article we found about lacto-fermenting was like lol seriously watch out for horrible bacterial disaster lol

Also! Lacto-fermenting looked time-consuming and by the time we had made all our other goodies our men had abandoned us to fix the closet (???) and the rest of our friends were watching Boogie Nights and/or SLC Punk


The pickles are on Day 8 of refrigeration. I will make a post about how they turned out on Day 10! Probably! Til then!

See I told you we pickled Brussels sprouts